


The battles we lost and the battles we won

by mysV



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Kanan (Comics), Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Clone Trooper & Jedi Relationships (Star Wars), Don't Examine This Too Closely, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jedi as Found Family (Star Wars), Parental Mace Windu, Post-Battle of Haruun Kal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysV/pseuds/mysV
Summary: It is not easy, through, no part of it is easy. Not the recover, not the chatting, not the forgiveness. The hardest, coldest, most terrifying way is the one we have to walk to forgive ourselves.Mace had told it to her one night, when she ended up crying in his arms, sobbing loudly because Shaak sent her a holo of a baby clone, who seem to be fresh off his tube, so little and helpless that Depa's heart breaks in a thousand pieces, every single one of them wears the names of her lost men.
Relationships: Depa Billaba & Clone Troopers (Star Wars), Depa Billaba & Kanan Jarrus & Mace Windu, Depa Billaba & Shaak Ti
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	The battles we lost and the battles we won

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I wrote this in a rush and I wasn't planning to post it, but I liked this one fic a bit too much so here it is. Also, don't look at this too close, I did my best but English isn't my first language and the only Beta I know is the one in the Greek Alphabet. Anyway, Depa's Battalion name is Wave because it read it in Soft Wars by Project0506 and it had been canon in my head since then. 
> 
> Also, Mace Windu Appreciation, because it never is enough.

**Disclaimer** : Star Wars and all of its affiliated properties remains property of Lucasfilm and Disney.

* * *

They lose, badly.

Very, very badly, loses like this one don't come without consequences.

Haruun Kal is, to this day, one of the worst loses the GAR had ever suffered. It stand at the same painful level as Geonosis, Umbara and the Malevolence.

She lost all of her men but four of them.

How? She was better than this, she knew she was better. How could Grievous made this to her and to her troopers? Kriff, she even dreamed with that loss when she was in coma, floating in bacta, it happened in front of her closed eyes again, and again and again.

When she meets with Grey, Styles, Big-Mouth and Soot, Depa almost couldn't resist the need to turn her head away. Her eyes full of tears when she feel them in the Force, how grateful they are because they're seeing her again. How could they be happy to see her? She failed them, she couldn't do better and now there are only four of the, four out of thounsands. 

Stars, four out of thousands. 

She greets and talk to the men, a conversation Grey mostly tunes out. He's never been that reserved and she’s never been this shy and unsure before, and the less she engages with it, the better she’ll be able to survive. 

They sit, like they used to do when they were out in the battlefield, they take their time to feel at ease with each other again. Of course, Big-Mouth is the first to mention food, already searching for his snacks. 

She’s always had been good at holding it together in front of other people. But now, she retracts, pressing her hands against her knees, the tension on her shoulder and neck so obvious they are already hurting. It feel inevitable to low her gaze and let her braids fall around her shoulders, hiding her face.

She feels a large hand graze across the crown of her head. “Keep your head up, General.”

Is Soot who talks, she don't need to look up to and see his face to know. She knows all of them, she _knew_ all of them.

Her guys, the ones who are still with her, and bizarrely, the ones who want to stay and keep fighting at her side. She'll have to be strong and to be brave, they deserve nothing less.  


* * *

Her fellow Jedi are gentle with her, they're aware how crushing it is to lose like this, and by the time Master Yoda declares her still fit for leadership and command, she feels a little lighter. However, when they annunce her that she will not longer be a Member of the Council, Depa accepts humble. None of them is all powerful, their duties as counselors is not forever, not even Master Yoda is going to lead the Order till the end of the Galaxy. So, she takes a step back, let another Jedi to take her seat, and postules Knight Aayla Secura for future consideration for a position in the Council, 

Also, Depa remembers the few times her own Master took step aside from his Council seat, due to his duty as her Master and because sometimes, like all of men, Mace Windu also get overhelmed by endless responsibility. 

Obi-Wan, Plo, Ki- Adi and Shaak and Luminara also help, they are here to listen to her. Even throught the war, even throught the distance.

It is not easy, through, no part of it is easy. Not the recover, not the chatting, not the forgiveness. The hardest, coldest, most terrifying way is the one we have to walk to forgive ourselves. 

Mace had told it to her one night, when she ended up crying in his arms— _crying in his arms, for Force's sake, the last time she cried in Mace's arms she was just a fourteen years old Padawan_ —sobbing loudly because Shaak sent her a holo of a baby clone, who seem to be fresh off his tube, so little and helpless that Depa's heart breaks in a thousand pieces, every single one of them wears the names of her lost men.

Mace was the one who looked up after her, worried by her heavy presence in the Force.

"Has been a time, since you told me something like that" She said, when she had calmed down, and warm cup on tea making her feel better and less empty. 

"You should know, by now, that Padawanship is the gift that never stop giving" Mace point out, his own cup of tea in his hands. Her Master, she was endlessly grateful for having him in her life, may the Force be with him, always. 

That night, when she was stepping back to her small quarters, little Caleb Dume stops her and aks her if she is okey, if she need some help, that he missed her today and that lightsaber lesson were better when she was there. 

Caleb, this boy is a spark in the Force, and for first time since Haruun Kal, she can see to the future again. 

* * *

Alone in her room, Depa take a moment to see the holo Shaak sent her. She didn't noticed it before, but it is old, from before her coma, the baby boy should be a lot bigger now. She send Shaak a message, saying the baby is beautiful and how much she hope he could grow up in a Galaxy without war. It doesn't matter if the nor the Republic nor Kamino wants them after everything is over, the Jedi would take care of them. 

Kriff, she herself is willing to look after the babies and boys, and Depa is _sure_ the tingle in the Force is Sar laughing at her, because when she was younger Depa was willing to go to the lowest of Coruscant's Lower Levels if it means she could get rid of crèche duty _._

After a time, Shaak answer her, informing her that the boy's name is Wave, Colt and her had decided it. Stars, Depa hopes Mace is still awake because she still have some crying to do. 

Also, Grey and Styles better get ready for a Padawan, she already had waited to long for it. 

**.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! Kudos will be deeply appreciated :)


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